Why I'm Broken - The emotional toll of PTLS

Last week I wrote about the physical toll of Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome https://take2brokenblog.wixsite.com/take2blog/post/why-i-m-broken-the-physical-toll-of-ptls

Feel free to check it out to get the whole story.

So, other than the obvious fact that PTLS made my depression and anxiety so much worse, you may be wondering how else it has affected me emotionally. I guess the best place to begin is with how it has made me hate myself. Physically I'm a totally different person. I'm unable to lose weight and keep it off. My face is puffy. I have bags the size of Texas under my eyes. And let's not forget my thinning hair. I hate the way I look and it's hard to function in public knowing I'm not confident in my own body; with my own face.

But looks are the least of the emotional pain I feel because of this disorder Try not being able to be there one hundred percent for the ones you love. Now that's devastating.

Do you know how devastating it is not to be able to go to your kids' school programs because just walking from the parking lot to the auditorium will put you in bed in excruciating pain for days? And along with that goes not being able to meet with their teachers and hearing about their progress during conferences. I will say that luckily my two younger kids go to a very small school for K-8 so nine times out of ten I can manage visits to their school. The large high school they all will eventually go to, however, is another story. The worst feeling in the world is not being able to be there for your kids in every way.

Now, let's talk about the fun things like vacations, grocery shopping, Christmas shopping, and birthday shopping. I know, I know, everything these days is available online or for pick up or delivery. But seriously, what's the fun in that. And where are the personal touches that come from touching everything your buy for your family? And the kids can forget about me going with them when they are excited to pick out something for themselves.

And speaking of the kids, what about all of the doctor visits, hangouts, and after-school events that mom picks them up from or takes them to. Well, now that's dad's job on top of his real job. You know, we should speak about Dad for a bit. Not only has his workload increased, but the attention and intimacy have decreased with every ailment I develop. Yet he's still here. Either I'm super lucky or I'm doing something else right.

So, what's the worst part about being a mostly homebound slug whose energy and abilities come and go? Is it the disappointment on my family's faces? That really sucks and hurts my heart. Is it sitting home and watching everyone else have the fun and do the work? Hmm, that sucks too. But you know what is the worst and affects my mental health the most? It's the guilt. It's so hard to live with. It's what makes it nearly impossible to get out of bed in the morning. It's what makes my anxiety spike and my depression overwhelm me. It's what makes me curse the day I ever had that damn surgery.

I'm not giving up though. I will trudge on to the end with the help of friends and family. And I will not give up until all doctors recognize this disorder.

Until Next Time...