Depression Curveballs

ATTENTION: TRIGGER/TMI WARNING. THIS BLOG DISCUSSES 'WOMAN' ISSUES WHICH MAY MAKE SOME PEOPLE UNCOMFORTABLE. IF THIS IS YOU, PLEASE SKIP THIS BLOG. I HOPE TO HAVE A FUN ONE UP FOR YOU NEXT TIME.

Depression is sneaky. It can get you lulled into a pattern that will repeat for months on end, and then, without warning, one of your normal depressive episodes can turn into a fight for your life (No, I don't mean su***de, although that is a possibility for some). For me, it is a fight to keep my life going how I need or even want it to.

Over the past two years, I have had a small depressive episode every few months -- easy to manage. I thought this recent one was going to be the same as the others. Well, I'm going on about a week, and it is still here, and it feels like I won't be able to come out of it easily. It sure as hell isn't going to just disappear like the others have in recent years. It's hard trying to figure out why I'm even depressed in the first place. I love my husband, I love my current house, and I love the life we're building together. I'm not having the relationship with my kids that I want, but I do talk to them. I've had to come to terms with that, and this doesn't feel anything like the sadness that comes with missing my kids (which I do) or missing 'home'.

I get to the point sometimes where if I could just bury myself in a hole until my mind stops working overtime, I would do it in a heartbeat. I hate that feeling because I know next comes numbness, and after that thoughts of being better off d**d. I was there, and I really don't want to visit that again. So how do I come out of this? First, I need to find out what's causing it.

Someone suggested it's because I'm starting to revive my career, and I'm having so many doubts about all of it. I guess it could be that, but the last couple of things I've started writing make me feel good. Yes, the self-publishing industry is one of the worst, cliquish, mean, horrible things I've ever witnessed, but it is what I have to do if I don't want to get into traditional publishing. It just doesn't seem like enough to get me this depressed. I don't mind the work; in fact, I think I need it to keep my mind functioning properly because between peri-menopause fog and fibro fog, I sometimes feel like I'm losing my mind.

You want to know the bad part of all of this? My therapy has come to a standstill in the progress department, and as much as I want to quit, I know I need it. But when something feels like a waste of time, it's hard to keep motivated. I need to do something, though, because this is the kind of depression that can end relationships, careers, hobbies, and so much more.

UPDATE

I wrote the above yesterday and decided not to hit publish yet until I talked to my doctor. Today we had a nice long chat. We think we've come up with the reason I'm so depressed, and at the surface, it seems a bit ridiculous to some, but the struggle is real. We went back through the last few days to see if there were any triggers, and the cause just smacked into me. I don't know if I forgot because of my cognitive issues or if I just didn't realize it could be an issue. My doctor now thinks I might be suffering from PMDD -- Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. You see, three days ago, I started having ovulation symptoms after not having a period for 85 days. That's the day that I went from feeling like I was coming out of my depressive episode to diving straight back into the deepest depths of Hell. And now, when I look back on it, I can see that it has been going on for years. Once those ovulation symptoms start, my body and mind go into shutdown mode because my periods are brutal and have become more brutal over the last couple of years. The thought of having all of that time free from the torture and being thrown right back into it makes me want to d*e (figuratively, of course). Honestly, if I didn't remember episodes of it from as far back as my first period, I'm not I'd believe it was PMDD. I guess it could as easily be just knowing how bad the periods can be and just wanting them to be over. That is all stuff I will discuss with a doctor soon. For now, I'll keep trudging along, knowing that most likely in another couple of weeks, I'll be back to normal.

Until Next time...