I HATE YOUTUBE AND OTHER DEPRESSING THINGS

I'm grateful that I only have occasional depressive episodes now. They used to run for months with only a few days' break in between. I honestly can't tell you if it is because of this latest medicine or if it is because I've had to start my life all over. My episodes now last a few days, and then I'm back in control. I usually ride them out by sticking close to home and avoiding contact with others.

We moved house back in May/June, and I've been riding a high. I'm actually able to make my home something to be proud of. I'm not emotionally paralyzed and throwing stuff at others to take care of. My partner has been really good about helping me and letting me be involved in all household and financial decisions. For the first time since I arrived in Tassie, we are living our own lives and not someone else's. The only beck and call we have to be at is our own.

And now we are here, at the beginning of September, and BAM! Yesterday started a massive depression. I hid in my room all day, and I will probably be in there most of today. Right now, my husband and his little brother aren't annoying the hell out of me, so I am in the lounge working. Of course, it was my luck that we had a house guest for quite a few days —a teenage house guest. When these two get together, they act like a couple of two-year-olds, and I can't deal right now.

So, back to why I hate YouTube right now. I'm forcing myself to sit in the lounge, and to keep from yelling at somebody, I decided to put my headphones in and find an old playlist on YouTube. Big mistake -- huge mistake. The playlist I selected was one I created several years ago. I had no idea, until I looked at the songs on the list, that it was probably made when I first started to have feelings for my husband. I HAD NO FUCKING CLUE! It's all so clear now, but back then and up until I stepped off the plane two years ago, I was in deep denial.

Okay, so I'm trying to deal with my feelings over that — severe guilt and being torn between what I should have done and what I actually did. If I'd ended our friendship then, I'd still have my crazy brood (not my ex, though, only because that was over long before any of this happened). I wish every day that I hadn't hurt them. And I will always hope that someday, somehow, they can forgive me and see that what happened, both literally and figuratively, saved my life. On the other hand, I can't imagine life without DJ. I can't imagine not celebrating the triumphs and comforting one another through the tough times. I can't imagine breathing without him by my side. Honestly, he's the only reason I breathe through the permanent ache in my heart, as everything in my life reminds me of my children, my pets, and the pain I caused them.

So, imagine this, I'm sitting here crying as the songs on this playlist blare into my headphones. And then --- RUINS. This song has always made me cry, and today I figured out why it continues to do so years after I thought I'd dealt with the issue.

I first realized that the reason I cried to this song was because of a book I wrote. It was that one book that you know is good. That one book that is so much better, so much more powerful than everything else you've written or anything you will write in the future. Anguish ruined me in a way that wasn't exactly bad, in a way that I would gladly welcome again. It took me years to be able to write again. Once I finished the series (by the skin of my teeth) that accompanied Anguish, I couldn't find my mojo to save my life. I craved writing, creating, release parties, networking, and selling. I craved to have my career back. All that happened was --- crickets. Yeah, I'd write. In my heart, I knew that every word was trivial, lacking, boring, compared to what I had written back in 2018. I even published a few books, but my writing was lackluster and dull, and my true mojo had long since disappeared.

Somewhere in there, I realized why I couldn't write. I realized why my career was suffering. And I realized that I would have to fight hard to publish again. That's where those books I mentioned in the paragraph above came in. I thought I was overcoming my block. Finally! But then, when I moved away from my kids and my country, I began to reexamine the things I had written after Anguish, as well as the things I was writing here in Australia. Yeah, I could write, and the stories were okay, but they weren't my best work. (And my writing style had changed to something I didn't like.)

Today, when I heard Ruins again, as I was writing my newest book, I realized that this block wasn't over. For years now, I've been second-guessing everything I wrote—every word I put down on the page. Every single thing that comes out of my pen or typewriter is something that causes me so much stress. Obviously, I am not over the trauma caused to me by writing Anguish.

So what now? Honestly, I have no idea. Do I keep struggling and try to regain my mojo and writing style? Do I call it quits (especially since I am having cognitive problems related to perimenopause and fibromyalgia)?

I'm torn between trying to resurrect the career that once made me FEEL so many years ago, when I was often numb, or giving it up and calling it a great experience. I'm at the age now where I don't want to start a new career, and I don't have the money to start my own business. Would I be able to survive working in an office or store for the rest of my life? Would it give me the freedom to travel and show my husband other parts of Australia and introduce him to America?

There is one other thing I could do, but sometimes it just seems overwhelming and not worth the effort. I have written twenty-one books, with the majority being published before I wrote the problem child book, Anguish. I could fix them up and make them as perfect as possible, and try to sell them to publishers. It's a lot of work, and rejection is quite likely.

I suppose it's not the right time to be making big decisions like this. However, I will have all of this here, so when I am ready to make a decision, I can come back and read this blog to help me. I suppose I shouldn't hate YouTube entirely. At least now I know why I have twenty WIPs and can't seem to finish one to save my life. At least now I know that there is a problem with my career, so eventually, I will be able to make a sound decision regarding where I head next.

If you want to see my other post about the impact Anguish had on my life, click this link: Anguish - How to find yourself only to be lost again. The novel that broke me.

Until Next Time...