The "S" Word and Other Ways To Die

###TRIGGER WARNING###

The "S" word was on my mind a lot the last couple months I was at home before my trip. It got so bad there for a while that my soon to be ex hid my pistol and the ammo from me. Even the kids wondered what I would do as I eyed the firearm. I would have. I even had a plan. I was planning to go to a nearby field and pull the trigger. To me, Going to visit my best friend (And person I had a thing for even if I was unable to admit it) and then having to come right back home and live with the abuse... Even once I decided that I would divorce when I arrived back home, I still knew there would be manipulation and abuse and I just couldn't face that.

Maybe this is why when my husband told me not to come home, it was so easy for me to stay. I wanted my kids, I missed them, I ached for them, but the thought of living my life like or similarly to how I had for the previous 29 years was that unbearable. I gave up my kids (In my mind temporarily and that's a whole other story) so I wouldn't have to live like that again.

I also entertained pills and even poison but I just couldn't imagine doing that near my kids. My original Idea I could do away from them so they wouldn't have to see me. I always wondered how a mother could "S" and leave her kids. Now, I will never wonder again. There are some things in life that are just so hard, so awful, so painful, that you realize that they might just be better off without you so you can escape the horror that has become your life. But I also know how skewered that thinking is.

I'm so glad I didn't. I know how badly "S" can affect families and thank goodness I kept my head and didn't follow through with my plan. It would have devastated my kids, DJ and my friends. I know it's hard being so far away but at least they still have me. They can still talk to me, ask me for advice, cry to me, yell at me. And we can still visit each other. And maybe someday we can even live near them again.

Right now they have been convinced that I was the abuser. But given time, it will start again and they will remember how many times they asked me to leave, how many times they said they hated him for what he did to me. They will remember knocking him on his ass when he came after me physically. I'm sure my relationship with them will never be quite the same. But they will damn sure know how much I love them. And they will know that I am alive because of them and only them.

Until Next Time...