If You Don't Know What You're Talking About...

All views and details of the posts on this blog are my personal version and my opinion of what happened.

I'm serious people. If you don't know what you're talking about then keep your trap shut! I know I shouldn't respond. I even vowed not to respond anymore, but his one... I just had to. Recently I was accused of never loving DJ. I was accused of pretending to be in love with him just so I'd have a place to go when my marriage ended.

That one stung. It really hurt because if you could see us together, if you could hear us together, If you knew about the past four years, you'd know that nothing about the statement above is even remotely true.

I never left my marriage because of the kids. I knew the kids needed me. I knew that I needed them. And that's how it remained until things got so bad with my soon to be ex that it was give up the marriage and kids or do the "S" word. (See previous blog about that subject https://www.jjweatherill.com/post/the-s-word-and-other-ways-to-die)

I had places to go even if I didn't necessarily want to. I could have gone to my mother and become her caregiver. I could have asked my brothers for help. I could have asked the domestic abuse organizations in Casper for help. I could have asked my therapist for help. There were so many places I could have gone. There are so many ways I could have left the abuse and got back on my feet. But I also realized that I would probably never be able to take my kids with me if I left. Financial Abuse is a thing. And then by the time the financial abuse was almost irreversible I started to have health issues that kept me out of the workforce.

But four years previously I'd met my best friend (see the blog about it here: https://www.jjweatherill.com/post/the-stigma-having-a-much-younger-bff. ) He knew how bad things were for my kids and I and more than once he'd offered us refuge with him. I never really gave it much thought because I felt we would be too much of a burden to him. But soon after he broke up with my daughter, I realized I might have feelings for him and I buried them so deep it would take a miracle to get me to admit it. Then came the last year before I left my husband. DJ realized he might have feelings for me too. And then he buried them the same as I did. It actually became an ongoing joke between the two of us.

About halfway through that last year I realized I needed to get away from my husband's abuse and the unhealthy attachment my kids had to me. I literally couldn't breathe in that house sometimes. So, I decided that a month long vacation to meet my best friend would do me a world of good. Maybe I could get my bearings and head back home to divorce my husband and find someone to help me fight for my kids. I had options.

I think the final turning point though was one night a couple months before I was set to leave for Australia. DJ and I were video chatting and he told me he had something important to ask me. I told him to go ahead. And what he said changed the course of our lives forever. "When you get here. Please don't leave." And more than anything I wanted to grant him his wish. I told him that I might have to leave to get the divorce but then I'd be back or I'd send for him to come to me.

The rest of the time leading up to the trip was me still being in complete denial while having flashes of 'Don't keep lying to yourself. You love him.' The denial had a strong lead, though. When I got on the plane in LA, I decided that there was no way he and I could love each other in real life but I still wanted to live near him. Best friends could live together and help each other out, right? Man my mind was messed up. I don't know if it was from the abuse or because I was so in love that my mind shut down to protect me.

Then there was the fateful day that my plane landed in Burnie, Tasmania. I stepped of the plane and felt complete peace for the first time in almost 30 years. There had been brief flashes of peace when I was around my kids until the last few years when they relied on me more and more to take up the emotional slack for their father. I stepped onto the tarmac and walked, one nervous foot in front of the other into the airport. And there he was. I knew in an instant that I loved him with all my heart. And I could tell that he felt the same.

Over the next week or so we took things slow and got to know each other in person. for me it wasn't really any different. For him, it was a slight adjustment from being behind the safety screen of a phone. A difference in generations I believe. And then there was the first kiss. I knew in that moment that we would do our darndest to never be separated for long again.

Gradually we moved on to a more intimate relationship and I knew my fate was sealed. I would head back to the US to get a divorce and figure out how to keep my kids safe from the abuse we'd endured. And then DJ and I would be together one way or another. But then someone spilled the beans about the extent of my relationship with DJ and my soon to be ex told me not to bother coming home because he would leave me stranded in Denver, five hours from home and with no money. And he would keep my kids away from me. I didn't know what else to do so I did what DJ had asked me to two months previously. I stayed.

Ya'll, I know it was a mistake to leave my kids. If I'd had the money I could have gone back, found my way back to Casper from Denver and then fought for my kids. But I had nothing except the man that I was madly, deeply, completely in love with. If I had been a stronger person, maybe I could have dealt with being stranded and found my way to fighting for my kids. But we all know how a narcissist works, right. They take everything from you and for me that included my ability to function outside of his world. And with DJ I found a new world that I could function in. But I also knew if I returned home, just being around my ex would put me right back where I'd been when I left. Scared, feeling alone, unable to function, and the "S" word. I realized I wouldn't have to be married to him for him to try to control me. Hell, here in Australia he still tries to but It's much easier to fight it off being far away.

So, to the person who said I only 'fell in love' with DJ to have a place to go, well you can kiss my ass and fuck right off. I do love him and that love and emotional support and equality is why I chose to stay. Of course my kids don't understands, but I hope some day they will. I did what was best for them and me. And their father is trying to turn over a new leaf. I'm sure he's still overly critical and makes them feel stupid and ashamed on occasion, but at least he's not screaming at them all the time. Believe me when I say that tone of voice is more than half the battle with that man. So, do I hate him? No. I hate what he did to me, what he turned me into and I hate that he tricked me into leaving my kids (A whole other blog coming soon) but no, I can't hate him. He gave me the five best gifts a woman could ask for. And he better take care of them properly or he will answer to me. Money or not, I will go to the ends of the earth to stop him in his tracks if he hurts my kids.

So, think twice about what you say to people or accuse them of. Especially me berceuse I'm not a shy, hurt wallflower anymore. I'll fight you to keep my kids safe. And rumors and stuff floating around about me hurt them. See where I'm going with this? Just don't!

Until Next Time...