How Can I Tell

I hid this post in drafts when I decided not to talk about my abuser anymore to create peace for my kids. However, I've recently come across some information that leads me to believe that my abuser has not had the same courtesy for me. So here goes. How you can tell if you are being verbally/emotionally/mentally/financially/medically abused. Everything in this blog is based on the personal experiences of an abused person. It's up to you to decide if it is my story or that of someone like me. This blog is for self-help and many of the examples have happened to abuse victims for years. I will not now or ever reveal the name and relationship of my abuser except to say that we had kids together.

The one question I get the most is "How can I tell if I'm being abused."

So, how are some ways to tell if you and your kids are being verbally/mentally/and emotionally abused (also financially and medically)

1. Love bombing and devaluing - The abuser dotes on you and loves you so much that you feel the safest and most secure you've ever felt. They may even buy you everything you want or let you do things they don't agree with to capture your trust. You feel like you are in heaven. But then the devaluing begins once they have you hooked and drunk on their adoration. It can look a bit like this... You never forget the day the love bombing ends and the devaluing begins. Say you've only been living with the abuser a short time and you are going through your stuff to determine what you have room for and what you could purge.This abuse victim came across some song lyrics she'd written and some scrapbooks she'd made of her favorite celebrities. She thought she was pretty talented and was so proud to show everything off to this guy who 'loved her'. Well, the first thing he did when she told her abuser about the lyrics was roll his eyes. The second thing the abuser did was chuckle and say "You think you're a songwriter? I somehow doubt you'll ever be good at it." Next, she showed "him" the 'famous people' scrapbooks only to be asked if somehow she was still a teenager because that was a stupid hobby for an adult." Of course, the tears started and she tore every last paper up and threw them away. All "he" did was laugh. Years later when she brought it up "he" said, "I didn't make you throw them away, that was your choice." Yes, it was her choice not to be made fun of every time she wanted to write a song or make a scrapbook. She admits that she was lacking in self-confidence and needed approval from the only guy she thought would ever care about her. But that still gave "him" no right to belittle her and what she loved. Most of the devaluing she faced went much like the events faced above. She had a favorite singer/actor/show/movie, "he'd" roll his eyes, have a pouting/days of silence fit when she closed herself away to listen to/watch them, or say snide remarks under "his" breath about how stupid/untalented/ridiculous the person/show was. Then repeated for almost 30 years with every subject that upset him.

2. Gaslighting - Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim's mind. Yep by the end she didn't know which way was up. "Have you gone crazy?" "Are you insane?" "I swear sometimes you act like you have lost your mind." "I never made you do that. It was your choice."

3. Financial abuse. This one can be a doozy and I personally am facing the consequences of it now. An example of financial abuse is as follows - "Don't work, it's better for the kids if you stay home." just to have a few months later have them say "You need to get a job. I can't handle all the pressure myself." Then when you look in vain for a job (usually because you haven't worked at his request in years.) The abuser then says again, "Don't work, it's better for the kids if you stay home." Repeat, repeat for years. And then when the going gets tough, the abuser will say you were never willing to get a job when you were. And god forbid if you ever become unable to work!

4. Medical - when you ask to go to a doctor, "We don't have the money." "You're probably just faking." "You're depressed again? Why do you need more meds now? Turns out, when she finally was able to convince him to let her go to a doctor, she had so much wrong with her that she could barely function and it has taken her two years and escaping the abuse to feel better. And medical abuse also hits the kids. "Dad can you take me to the doctor?" The response starts with rolled eyes and then a very harsh. "Can't you wait until I have the day off? "I never get a break because of you kids." And then it gets turned on the abused spouse. Why can't you drive them? They aren't sick enough. You let them go to the doctor's too often. (Always said in privacy so the kids don't hear.) Then comes the best part. They pout/take out passive aggression on the child or give the silent treatment all the way to the doctor, while at the doctor, all the way home, and into the night. And let's not even think about the times they refuse to help you take your kid to the emergency room. It almost costs some their life. And then you have to resort to their tactics and manipulate them into going. In all her years, She's had to threaten to leave and call DFS to get her kids taken care of.

5. Threats: And what about threats: Yup: Blatant like - "If you ever leave me I will use my parent's money to make sure you never see the kids again." And, not so blatant - "What would you do without me? If I walked out that door, you'd be nothing, you'd have nothing. Oh and let's not forget, "So and so is a bad influence on you." and then the abuser is cruel to your friends and drives them away. The kicker for her was "If you don't get pregnant again, you don't love me." only to find out he found out by reading her diary that she was going to leave when their kids turned eighteen so he needed her to make a fresh batch so he could keep her there longer.

Ask yourself this 1. Do you walk around on eggshells so your abuser doesn't get angry, pout, give silent treatment, devalue everyone in the house, and make everyone miserable? 2. Are your medical needs being met if there is enough money in the house to see a doctor? 3. If you decided to leave would you be able to take your kids and go and live a decent life financially? 4. Is your self-esteem so bad that you feel suicidal or helpless every time you or your child get devalued? If you answer yes to any of these, document or record everything, save up some money or get help from a friend or family member and get the heck out of there!

NOTE: (My opinion) My case was a little different because I was physically unable to walk into a restaurant from the car without being out of breath and in immense pain. I couldn't even do a simple chore let alone work outside the home to save up. My only choice was to go ahead and leave my abuser knowing that I would lose my kids because I couldn't hold down a job. I now had no choice but to leave my kids and he knew it. Do we see a pattern here, yet? If you don't, ask me about it. It was the hardest decision he ever made for me when he kicked me out while I was overseas and refused to come get me from where my plane would land four hours away. But be careful, (and possibly record or have witnesses to all conversations after you leave depending on laws in your state). They can be devious. For example, they may know that you have fallen in love with someone else or that you are thinking about leaving and have friends willing to help so they manipulate you into doing it by playing psychological games and making it impossible to come back so they can keep your kids, your friends, and belongings that you truly care about. I've seen this happen to several of my friends and it is my opinion that it happened to me. It really isn't hard to get them to admit that it was done on purpose. Just make sure you have witnesses, or recordings, or texts in case you need to prove it in court. Better yet, get all three and you'll have an easier go. And if you have friends IRL and online who had a feeling you were being abused, get them to sign papers or affidavits to that effect.

Again, I want to stress that I am very very angry with my abuser but I do not hate him because he gave me the five best gifts I ever got. I don't want anyone else to hate him for what he did as it was how he was taught to be and he did suffer some major trauma early in life. He needs help, not hatred. His side of the story is floating all over the town that I may never be able to show my face in again so I think I deserve to give you the slightest peek into my side. Oh and don't hate yourself for any abusive behaviours you may have had. It is a normal part of this kind of abuse. It is how you coped. It is how victims of abuse learn to survive and anyone who researches narcissistic abuse or PTSD abuse or Borderline Personality Disorder abuse will see that.

Until Next Time