Homesickness: What To Do When It Hits.

I knew it was just a matter of time. It took almost five months for it to hit. I am homesick. Don't get me wrong, I still love DJ and I'm going to marry him soon and there is no way I could go back and live the way I had before. Being literally paralyzed by abuse isn't the way to live. But there are some things I miss aside from my kiddos. I miss the house that I had only lived in for two years. I miss the recliner I sat in with my puppy Yiddle Toes daily. I miss the bed I slept in and my blanket. I miss being able to walk down the hallway and see my kids anytime I want to. I even kinda miss six a.m wake up for school; the keyword is KINDA on that one.

I knew it would happen. I just don't think I was prepared for it. Because no matter how many times I tell myself that I am much happier and healthier here, it doesn't help the small ache in my heart. You know with as much as I hated Casper in the beginning, I miss it too. I miss the people at Perkins and OC. I miss the people at Walmart and Sam's Club. I even miss the barking neighbor dogs... well, maybe not that.

I'll write this here so I will always have a record of it: I do not miss the abuse. I do not miss being in excruciating pain every day. I do not miss being mentally and physically paralyzed and unable to do things with and for my kids and myself. And the weird thing is if you asked me what I would do first if I found myself back there... Well, I think I would clean my ex's house so he and the kids wouldn't have to worry about it. They aren't the best at it and I think I do a pretty good job when I'm not paralyzed or sick and in pain.

So, what's next? Well, I cry when I feel the need. I message my kids every day. I pray a lot and I marry the man I love sometime before the end of the year

That way I create a happy new life whether here or there because one thing hasn't changed, I love DJ, I love Tasmania, I love my kids, I love Casper, and my ex, well I'm not in love with him anymore, but he did give me the gift of 5 amazing humans so I think there is room in my life for him too.