Homesickness

Who would have thought that homesickness would still be hitting me full force, knock me to my knees homesickness, still after a year. I just don't understand, or maybe I do.

Yes, our living situation is far from ideal but I have the man I love here. I love Tasmania. DJ and I have some great plans for the future. We are about to get our first paying client for our business and my career is poised to take off with my secret project. So, why do I have moments where I just want to pop home?

My kids are there. That's probably the biggest reason. Yes, the divorce decree says I am entitled to know everything about what the kids are doing but it's just not the same. Maybe regular phone calls would help? The kids just aren't ready for that, though. One even still has me blocked so I don't think that's a good idea for now. I do message regularly and they send me pics and stuff occasionally but like I said before, it's just not the same. Missing them feels like I'm being ripped limb from limb and having my heart stomped on.

Should I just pack up and go home? Well, I could, but every time I think of leaving DJ and the life we have planned, it feels like someone is ripping me limb from limb and stomping on my heart. So if I feel that way in both instances, which I do, what the hell do I do? For now I stay here. I don't have the money to return home even if I could bring myself to leave. But what about the future? I just don't know. I don't want to give up either my kids or my husband but until I find out how to manage both, I guess I'll get used to feeling torn apart and stomped on.

The funny thing is, I felt that way there too. I knew sooner or later I would have to make a choice between my family and DJ. Unfortunately, by that point, DJ was part of MY family. Maybe if I hadn't thought I couldn't go home, that I wasn't welcome, that I would never make it home from the airport in Denver, I could have found a way to have a relationship with my kids and DJ at the same time. That had been my original plan but I wasn't allowed to follow through with it. So now what?

Now all I can do is love my kids as fiercely as I can from afar and make my life with DJ everything I dreamed it to be. I know, deep down, that they know I still love them and never would have left them if I'd felt I had a choice. And maybe someday... Until then, I guess my punishment is to feel this horrible homesickness as often as God wants me to because, in the long run, I deserve every minute of it.